


Magic, Mathematics and Millions of Witty, Charming and Intelligent Letters

by ThatMerlinFangirl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, F/M, Friendship, Harry Potter References, Humour, Letters, Love Letters to Caffeine, M/M, Magic, Romance, School, Sexual References, Swearing, THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS, Teachers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-08 20:16:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8859535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatMerlinFangirl/pseuds/ThatMerlinFangirl
Summary: Merlin Emrys is the Headmaster of Avalon School for the Specially Gifted, and aside for the odd minor mishap, things are going swimmingly.Unfortunately, the new History teacher is a bit of a prat.And that's just the beginning of their troubles...





	1. Chapter 1

Monday 29th August 2016

Dear All,  
Well, the new school year approaches! Hope you've all had a nice summer - Mordred and I just got back from Switzerland. Sadly we'll be locking you in the Cage of Insanity, Ridiculousness and Caffeine-Induced All-Nighters very soon, so please make the most of your remaining freedom.  
1\. We have three new students joining us this year. Freya Lake and Daegal Brown will be in the second year and Gilli Melling in the fourth. Please make every effort to make them feel welcome, although this does not include slipping them Tattling Tonic to help them 'make friends'. Gwaine, I am talking to you.  
2\. Now that we've replenished our livestock after last year's incident, Percival is going to be running an Eco Club on Thursdays, meaning that the staff meeting day has been changed to Friday. Hopefully this arrangement will work out alright and be beneficial to our 'limited extracurricular regime' that the Board's been bugging us about since the dawn of time.  
3\. Our world-weary First Aider has been bombarding me with letters about the abominable state of school safety enforcement. For the sake of the Brazilian rainforests, if not my sanity, please remember that climbing buildings, non-blunt swords, burping competitions and Mandrake Muppets are not permitted on the premises.  
4\. Stupid changes to the National Curriculum by the ~~fucking~~ ~~moronic~~ extremely thoughtful and considerate Board of Education mean that we are now obliged to teach each student four hours of Advanced Mathematics, including algebra, every week. Gwen, my sincerest condolences and please let me know if you need chocolate/sleep/someone to jam a stick up Aredian's stuck-up arse. I'm sure Mordred wouldn't mind taking a few lessons for you.  
5\. And finally, we are welcoming a new member of staff to our History department, Arthur Pendragon. The school is sincerely grateful to Mr Pendragon for taking on the position at such short notice, after the untimely retirement of Alice Higgins, who shall be sorely missed.  
If I've missed anything off let me know, but otherwise, see you next Monday!

All the best,  
Merlin Emrys  
Headmaster  
Avalon School for the Specially Gifted

 

Wednesday 31st August 2016

Hi Merlin,  
AAARRRGGH the bloody Board drive me round the bloody bend! Bloody 'reforming the education system', bloody 'academic improvement', DO THAT BLOODY LOT HAVE ANY BLOODY IDEA WHAT I DO FOR THOSE BLOODY KIDS????!!!!  
Sorry about that, just a mad teacher being a mad teacher. Nothing unusual there.  
Been having a lovely (quiet) summer at home baking brownies and watching Downton. At least, as much as is possible when one has a screaming four-year-old in the house who requires constant feeding and entertaining. Why did I ever think it would be a good idea to have a baby?  
Give my love to Mordred, hope you two had a gorgeous time in Switzerland. See you soon, hugs!!!

Gwen xxx

 

Wednesday 31st August 2016

Dearest Gwen,  
I too have shed many a bitter tear over the Board's lack of even the tiniest particle of intelligence. Also, I think you may have broken the bloody world record for the most bloody uses of the word 'bloody' in a single bloody paragraph.  
Switzerland was amazing, thanks. Their trains are so clean!!! Seriously, I squealed when we got on. Finally, I could sit down on a train without worrying about getting gum or chocolate wrappers stuck to my bum. It's liberating, I tell you.  
Mordred, having enjoyed the cold weather in Europe, is being the Ice Queen he usually is and grumbling about the heat. Don't suppose you have any tips for dealing with grumpy druids????

See you soon.  
Merlin xx

 

Wednesday 31st August 2016

Dear Merlin,  
Oh I have plenty of tips to offer, _cough_ _cough_ , sex, _cough_ _cough_. ;)

Yours deviously,  
Gwen xx  
P.S. That new History teacher you hired? Isn't he Uther Pendragon's son? As in your arch nemesis with the face of a Blast-Ended Skrewt?

 

Thursday 1st September 2016

Guinevere Smith, you evil dirty-minded Flobberworm. Go to the gutter where you belong.  
Yeah, it's Pendragon's son. I know, I know, the whole 'Uther-Pendragon-should-die-in-a-fire' thing. Well blow me, he goes and makes a very generous donation to the school, tons of media coverage of course, so I have to kiss his arse and act all sickeningly grateful and agree to land his son a teaching post while he radiates smugness like a toxic waste dump. Good times.   
Sorry, I know I should have told you, you being the Treasurer and all, but I didn't want to bother you on your well-deserved holiday.   
Hopefully Prince Arthur is slightly less of an arsehole than his father.

Merlin xx  
P.S. Thank you exceedingly for that tip though... ;)


	2. Chapter 2

Monday 5th September 2016

Heeey Percy,  
Well today has gotten off to a brilliant start. I get to my classroom to find that every single one of my swords has been replaced with wooden poles. _Poles_ Perce. Seriously, how am I supposed to instruct my younglings in the ancient and noble art of swordcraft with bloody poles? Next thing you know they'll be replacing the dummies with stuffed pink unicorns...  
On another note, are you free this weekend? I need to go up to London and get my SPICE license renewed and it kind of really needs doing or I'll have the Board on me like a pack of Wilderen and Merlin will probably kill me if he finds out that I haven't done it yet and I also kind of promised Gwen I'd babysit Luna for her so would it be possible for you to play Uncle Percival for the evening while I'm gone? Begs the guy who sat up with you until 3 in the morning while you were being sick after that prawn curry.  
Toodle-pip, got a timetable to prep and techniques to perfect!

Yours mischievously,  
Gwaine  
P.S. Did you see the new History prof? What a wanker.

 

Monday 5th September 2016

Gwaine,  
Yes I'll have Luna for the night. Stop grovelling or I'll be forced to shove one of your poles down your throat.  
Merlin's made some pretty bad decisions in his life, I'll grant him, but this is the melted butter on the family sized bag of popcorn. The guy's a complete and utter twat. Just now he came frog-marching into my office by accident and what does he do? Back away as if I'm a crossdressing ogre with warts. I'm honestly marvelling at the fact he can breathe. Do you think there's some kind of airtight dress suit fashion we commoners aren't aware of?

Yours plottingly,  
Percy  
P.S. Stuffed pink unicorns? Wouldn't it be slightly traumatising for small children to have to bash out the brains of sweet little cuddly toys?

 

Monday 5th September 2016

Glad someone agrees with me. Merlin and Mordred say they're too 'busy' (having sex in the Headmaster's study no doubt). Gwen seems to like him, but she's sweet and doesn't hate anyone so, yeah.

Yours mischievously,  
Gwaine  
P.S. You do have a point about those unicorns.  
Do you know anywhere that sells them?

 

Monday 5th September 2016

Mordred -  
Help. Please. I'm going to kill that fucking Pendragon clotpole and it isn't even 12 o'clock yet.

Love and frustration,  
Merlin xxxx

 

Monday 5th September 2016

Tell me your woes sweetheart. Also bear in mind that I have a classroom to reconstruct after that fireworks display Julius set off at the end of last year.

Love,  
Mordred xxxx  
P.S. Are we still going to the Board annual dinner? Or will you need a night in to recover?

 

Monday 5th September 2016

Dear Mordred,  
Well. Half an hour ago Mr Pendragon comes stomping into my office while I was in the middle of filling in all the paperwork for Freya, Daegal and Gilli. He complains that his classroom is 'completely unsatisfactory' and he 'cannot possibly work with your miserly resources'. So I very reasonably say that we can't really put him anywhere else, but promise that we will reserve some of the school budget to provide him with some better equipment.  
But oh no, his Royal Pratness is still not content. He whinges on and on about the staff being disrespectful and that there's no heating (that's your fault by the way, so put it back on - we're not all bloody polar bears) and that he is certain the Board of Education would find this all most disappointing and how far superior his old private school was.  
Who the fuck does he think he is? Doesn't he realise that I might have a million and one slightly more pressing issues than bloody _chalk_?!!  
Well the school is providing precisely zilch. He can get his own equipment if he has the brain cells to do so.  
Seriously, please please _please_ can you morph into your Arthurian counterpart and stab him in his fat gut? While burning him alive and force-feeding him Gaius' porridge? I swear, I will be your willing slave for all eternity.

Love,  
Merlin xxx  
P.S. Dammit, I forgot about that. Be a dear and tell Elena we're cancelling would you? I honestly can't face it. I'm already halfway through my sixth coffee. If I go I'll probably start crying into my wine or punch Aredian in the face.

 

Monday 5th September 2016

Sweetheart, you know I love you to death and I would fill in six mountains of paperwork and sacrifice my caffeine quota whilst watching Thomas the Tank Engine for you, but I will not commit cold-blooded murder simply because someone is annoying.  
Look, he's Uther's son, he's bound to be an asshole. He's spoilt and he's grown up in Poshland. Once reality gives him a kick up the arse I expect he'll be more bearable. Don't worry about it.  
However, if he harms you in any way, I promise he will die bloody, burnt and gagging on that foul poison Gaius deigns to call 'porridge'.

Love,  
Mordred xxxx  
P.S. Don't worry, I've cancelled all appointments with the Board for the foreseeable future.

 

Monday 5th September 2016

You are a saint and an angel and I promise to buy you a massive chocolate cake with a stripper cosplaying as Draco Malfoy inside.

Lots of love,  
Merlin xxxx


	3. Chapter 3

Wednesday 7th September 2016

Dearest, sweetest, kindest and loveliest sister in the entire world,  
I am grievously sorry for ever suggesting that your green dress made you look like a troll. I swear I will attend every SPAM meeting, serve the tea and biscuits, sell badges on the street, speak at every public protest, heck I'll pose for the postcards. And I know you are an extremely busy and hardworking woman who is probably drowning in mail, but please, please, spare an hour to help a poor, harrowed teacher and try and persuade Father to let me quit this nightmarish job?

Yours with deepest brotherly affection,  
Arthur

 

Friday 9th September 2016

Arthur,   
Sorry for the late reply but your 'extremely busy and hardworking' sister has indeed been 'drowning in mail', and far more interesting it was than your nausea-inducing grovelling. No I will not be swayed by over-the-top declarations of brotherly affection, compliments and promises that you and I both know you won't keep. I am not given to outbursts of sisterly compassion.

Love,  
Your-Cynical-Wise-And-Sexy-Sister

 

Friday 9th September 2016

Gana, _please_. Help me. I'm begging you, on my knees.  
This is not a school, it's a bloody death trap. The building's falling down as I write this. Oh, and did you know there's a great bloody _dragon_ underneath the hall? One of my insolent pupils just informed me. And I don't know _how_ any of the staff are qualified, bunch of rude, self-righteous savages. No regard for child safety whatsoever. They all seem to think it's a brilliant idea to teach these children sword fighting. Barely conforms to the curriculum, half the pupils are up in First Aid, no bloody discipline, no uniforms even.  
And _chalk_. I am being forced to teach my pupils with only blackboards, chalk and very old, very battered textbooks. You'd think with that unreasonably generous donation Father made they could stretch to whiteboards, but no, they've blown it on horses instead.  
Don't even get me started on 'Headmaster Emrys'. Pompous thug. I've been to him about the whole safety and equipment thing. What has he done? Nothing. They all insult me every chance they get. Well except Professor Smith, she's alright. Quite pretty. Very pretty.  
So in short, terrible school, it's freezing cold all the time and I don't even have a WiFi connection. Now that I've related to you my living hell, are you more willing to help me?

Yours,  
Arthur

 

Friday 9th September 2016

Brother dearest,  
First of all, please don't think I haven't picked up on your loathsome discrimination of the magical community, which, I remind you, I have been campaigning against all my life and which I will definitely use to blackmail you.  
Second of all, Jesus Christ Arthur. You're complaining about having no WiFi to play Candy Crush when up and down the country witches and wizards are being kicked out of their homes, living on the streets, no food or shelter. Nothing. Learn to put things into perspective dear brother and you may realise why they all think you're an asshole. I must say, I don't blame them.  
So no, I won't speak to Father for you. And if I find out that you've told him about this, I will use that photo of you from 2012 on the SPAM Christmas cards this year. 

Yours crossly,  
Morgana  
P.S. Reading your insults, I don't know whether to be embarrassed or doubled over with laughter.  
P.P.S. So who's this pretty Professor Smith then...?

 

Friday 9th September 2016

Morgana, if you want to hear details of my personal life then don't send me insults and death threats.

Arthur   
P.S. Professor Smith is simply a colleague of mine. Am I not allowed to pay her a compliment without being accused of flirting?

 

Saturday 10th September 2016

You said she was pretty. _Very_ _pretty_ you said.

Yours smugly,  
Morgana

 

Saturday 10th September 2016

I don't know what you are talking about.

Arthur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPAM = Society for the Protection and Acceptance of Magic. Founded by Morgana Ygraine Pendragon.


End file.
